Nor do I WANT to be.
This all came upon me last night as my husband and I were tucking ourselves into bed at 8:30. Yes 8:30! We were asleep before 9 and I didn't wake up until 7:45 am when laughter from my baby alarm clock came blaring through the baby monitor.
Makenna is 5 and a half months old and while I feel like I'm being the best mother I can be, (thank You Jesus!) there is one thing I need to stop doing:
Putting so much pressure on myself. RELAX
Over the past few years my anxieties have grown beyond my control. It's been taking a lot of prayer and work on my part, through the direction and grace of God, to just relax. My, somewhat of a, type A personality means the house can never be a mess, Makennas room has be organized and God forbid if the shirts in our dresser get out of their neat, little stack. I start to sweat when Eric doesn't take off his shoes after coming in from outside and I see dirt all over a freshly swept floor. The dishes on the drying rack need to be in a specific order, as well as, the items in our refrigerator.
I've realized that trying to control every aspect of my life leaves me feeling exhausted, aggravated and defeated. After Eric and I said our nightly prayer last night and we both turned over to our sides to fall asleep, I started to pray on my own. I prayed to God that He would seriously move in my heart and help me relax. That He would seriously allow me to loosen to the, extremely, tight grip I have on my life and let Him take over the control. I've done this before and the outcome has been great but I always seem to get right back into that anxious state.
This side of me is spilling over into my journey of motherhood.
I feel like it's a personal race to strive to get Mama of the Year. I strive to give my baby only breast milk, which I've been able to do successfully, and feed her and our family organic everything, a home cooked meal for Eric and I when he gets home every night, the house being spotless, laundry done, lunches packed for the next day, meals prepped, make it to every mommy and baby play date there ever was in all the world to keep Makenna socializing and make myself look presentable every day.
PHEW!
The list and the pressure goes on and on of all that I feel needs to be done on the daily.
So as we were laying in bed last night...
At 8:30 PM..
With dishes in the sink..
The cat liter not scooped..
And I'm praying to God to relieve some of this pressure, and to keep me from going into the kitchen and washing Erics chocolate milk cup..
He gives me my answer.
Just STOP. Turn off my brain for a SECOND and listen to Him. Stop trying to do it all. I am raising a little human, all day and everyday. It goes by so fast and I need to start enjoying the moments I have with her and my husband and not worry about all the little stuff. God was putting on my heart that I need to stop being the uppity, in control, super mom and super wife person that I've become. I'm missing moments and snuggles and time with my rapidly growing, little baby because the dishes NEED to be done the second the last bite from dinner reaches our mouth. I mean, come on!
I'm going to have my moments. I'm a woman and I'm human! But for the most part, I'm ready to let it go. I've surrendered my life to the One who wants to take all my burdens, worries and anxieties and handle them FOR me! So that I can enjoy life for all it's worth and not worry about the unmade bed. Or the fact that I had a 3 Musketeers chocolate bar instead of an apple for a snack.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
-1 Peter 5:7
I going to spend a lot more time focusing and meditating on the verse above because it screams truth!
I do not have to be a super wife!
I do not have to be a super mom!
I just need to do right for my little family, for others and most importantly, for God.
Like I said in my last post, I Am Learning.., I'm doing just fine. I CAN give myself a pat on the back sometimes (or like everytime I pump 20 oz of milk). I have so much love and happiness, in me, that I want to spread to so many people, especially my family, and I need just need to not get caught up and give my sole attention to the wrong things. I'm prepared for God to start changing my heart.
Have something on your mind? Anything you need to get off your chest? You know where to reach me and I LOVE hearing from you: gfmamaj@gmail.com
Much love!
I've loved doing life with these two and it's the most beautiful to watch how God moves through our lives.
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