Nothing Is Wasted

I will honestly admit that this is one story I do NOT want to share. It's a story that for the past 6 weeks, I've been wanting to forget. A story that I never thought would be mine to share.
But I know and truly realize I was given this story for many reasons. I've been learning how much God really does use our pain for purpose. I was given this story, not to remain silent, but to share with many and boast about His goodness and His unwavering amount of grace and strength. It's a story about hope and how, even through the worst of situations, He can still can take a tragedy and turn it into triumph
So please, treat this story as fragile as feels, for it's still a healing wound.

This October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
I have known and heard personal stories of women experiencing miscarriages. I've read, in prayer threads online, the desperate cries of women who were asking for prayer and hanging on to the last bit of hope they had. My heart always ached for them but as they say "You never know what someone else is going through until you've experienced it for yourself." I never knew how much this statement would resonate with me. Until it all started to happen to me.

I'll start by saying how much Eric and I ADORE parenthood. I mean adore it. Makenna saved us in so many ways and she is truly our miracle child. We prayed and hoped for her for years. Being her parent has been the most incredible thing and one of the greatest gifts God could have ever given us. It felt only natural that after 6 months of having Makenna with us that we wanted to start trying for another.
As I expected there to be, there were complications. But it felt a lot easier to deal with the second time around because I truly was in a place where I relied more on Jesus and stuck with that it would happen in His PEFECT timing.
We kept trying for almost a year and half with, for the most part, complete peace and relaxation about it.
The middle of this past July brought some great news. After grabbing a pizza lunch with a couple, Eric and I ran to Target and I felt the need to buy a pregnancy test. I had "unloaded my pizza" in the bathroom when first getting into the store and it wasn't the first time that week I had "tossed my cookies" that week.
I took it immediately when we got home and received the brightest positive I had ever seen! I felt dizzy, excited, nervous all at once and looked my first baby. I told her she was going to be a big sister and held her while I cried with joy.
Makenna and I walked out of the bathroom and met Eric in the kitchen where I told him I had a surprise. I held out the test and he, equally, joined in my excitement.
The following Monday would be our first baby appointment and we couldn't wait.
Our appointment finally arrived and we could hardly stand the wait to our see our new baby!
The ultrasound seemed to be going fine until I noticed that the technician wasn't saying anything. She wasn't pointing out where the baby was and didn't let us hear a heartbeat. My heart sank. I knew right then and there that something was wrong. I remember thinking in my head "Please God, I'll do anything. Please."
The ultrasound technician stated how she wasn't able to say anything about the ultrasound and that our doctor would meet with us and explain it all. We didn't get good news from her either. It looked like what I had was a blighted ovum. It's where the baby is lost super early in pregnancy but yet the body still thinks and acts like it's pregnant. Seemed like complete unfairness and pure cruelty to me.
We were given the option to terminate the pregnancy but for moral reasons, we decided to wait. Either for God to perform a miracle or at least for my body to do what it needed to, naturally. The wait would be another 2 weeks to have another ultrasound.
Fast forward to most agonizing and stressful weeks of my life to ultrasound #2 where we discovered that there were 2 yolk sacs meaning 2 babies. My doctor was struck with such confusion and said she no longer felt comfortable with termination and I needed to come back another week later for ultrasound #3, stating that since we were possibly dealing with twins, that changed the entire situation. However, we received the news that my hormone levels were dropping with the doctor explaining it didn't look good.
That next Monday, before my next ultrasound, my miscarriage started.
There's not too much to explain after that. It was over. It was a loss. Two babies that we wouldn't hold in our arms. I was devastated and in a way I still am.
However this verse has never been more true:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
It's become my mantra. My life verse. The weeks that we experienced the waiting to see what would happen, the desperate pleas and cries to God, the trying to understand the meaning and the purpose behind all this...this verse popped up everywhere.

It reminds me that through the pain, through the hardships, the trials, through our mess and even our darkest hour..God works all things for our good and His glory, as long as we love Him. It may not seem good, but we can rest assure that it is. God is using our pain for purpose and as my Pastor says often "Nothing is wasted." Nothing in God goes in vain. 

It's been a HUGE test of faith and character for both Eric and I. And I never thought I would be that 1 in 4 to have to go through this but I am and it happened. The choice is mine to sit around and mope or to use my circumstances to reach out to others who may be going through something similar.

I thank Him for using and working through me. I praise Him for being a good Father. I worship Him for giving me the strength that brought me through such agonizing weeks of waiting then healing. And I put my complete hope in Him as we move on and try for our next miracle baby. 

There IS hope at the end of, what seems like, a dark and lonely tunnel. If this is something you've experience and you need an outlet, someone to talk to..I am here! GOD is here! I pray for overwhelming amounts of peace and understanding to fall upon you.

A serious thank you for all who read this. It's not a fun, happy topic but miscarriages happen and they are not as uncommon as we may think. Let's not just draw awareness to it but allow others to share their stories.

Much love, as always, friends! 

A Little Transparency

Hey friends!

It has been such a while since I've posted!

Life has been busy and filled with so much! We have settled into our new home more nicely than I could have ever planned. Our house has never felt more like, well, home! The two years it took to finally get in here has been more than worth it. I love making memories in this home. Good is SO good!

Also, our sweet baby, Makenna, turned one on August 14th and life with a toddler has been, well, exhausting but absolutely amazing :) She is learning and growing so much every day and I love being able to be her mommy. 

So, jumping right into it, I am going to be totally honest. 

I had an entirely different post planned, typed and ready to publish. Normally after I am done writing the draft for a post and have proofed it, I automatically publish it without any second thought of the topic. But this time was so different. My iPad kept messing up and it literally would not post. 

You bet your bottom dollar I took that as a sign from God to rethink what I wanted to post about and have be seen by the public eye.

My deleted post was all about disappointment and all the things that have been getting me down lately. After my iPad kept glitching, all it would let me do is go back to the draft so I reread the post and it really hit: "oh my gosh, how WHINY do I sound?! I can't post this! Is this really the Jesus I want people to see in me?!!"

It kept me up till after midnight, last night, thinking about how much I look over everything I've ever been blessed with. I've focused on the negative for so long that it's starting to become normal. When did I start developing this glass half empty attitude?? This is NOT me!

I jumped out of bed, lit a candle in the living room and wrote out, in my journal, all of the disappointments I was going to post about. Under each of them, I wrote the positives. 

I wrote how God can, is or will take these disappointments and turn them into something beautiful.

A few examples:

Disappointed by friends?

 Lately, I've been focusing on the friendships that have faded away, the feeling of being left out or forgotten. I needed to write this out in front of me and really pray over the many friends and family that Jesus has blessed me with. That He can always continue to work in my heart to be a good friend or daughter, wife or sister. I have many people in my life and in my little family's life that are so beautiful inside and out. I am more than thankful for these people. 

Disappointed by what's on the news?

Use that as fuel! Fuel to get out and be proactive. What I see on the news should give me, a follower of Jesus, more incentive to get out and spread the Good News. To lead others from death to life. Instead of filling my mind and heart up with fear because of what is happening in this world, I need to take a moment, look up and thank Jesus for the life He has given me. How blessed I am to live so free and GOOD! To have a hot shower and dinner every.single.day. Ok, so the dog may pee on the floor or the guy in traffic who cut me off, gave me the finger. Things could be SO MUCH WORSE.

Lastly..

These past few months (ok, maybe more than a few) I have been thinking of my old life back in NY. This was a place I was born and raised in for almost 20 years. I up and left, never looking back and have only returned 3 times since 2009. This was one of the last disappointments I wrote about last night.

I miss it. I really do! 

I watch shows or movies based out of NYC and my heart literally hurts. I think of how life would've been if we had moved us to NY. What would my marriage, with Eric, be like? Would Makenna even be here with us? It even hurts my heart now to write about it.

But I thought about our life here in South Carolina. I think about how much Eric and I have grown up here. 

I think about NewSpring.

How ABSOLUTELY grateful am I for this church?! 

What would life have been life if we moved to NY, never have attending NewSpring??

Jesus has used this church over and over and over and over (you get the point) to bring us closer to Him. Goodness, it's where Eric and I were both saved, almost TWO years ago, side by side!

I think of KidSpring and how my daughter goes to a safe environment each week and learns about Jesus on her level. Where volunteers take time to nurture and pray over her every week. 

Would we have found that in NY?

My roots are there; memories that will never be forgotten and people who may have only been in my life for a season, but have made a difference. 

But we are meant to be here, in South Carolina. This is where Jesus needs us to be. This is where He, currently, has us living out His plan. Meditating on that alone overwhelms my heart with joy. 

I absolutely love where God has my little family right now. I love where He has me.

I love looking back at harder times and what I learned from that situation. I love looking at a list of "disappointments" and how He can point out the good that can be found in everything.  

Doesn't mean more disappointments won't arrive at my door. The point isn't that, being a follower of Jesus means hard times won't come..it means when they do come, I can handle them with His strength, grace and love!

The best is yet to come my friends..the best is yet to come :) 

MUCH love! 

Dear Sweet, Infertile Friend

Dear Infertile Friend,
First let me say:
You are NOT alone!
My infertility journey was frustrating, scary, lonely, confusing but most importantly..humbling. 
My sweet, sweet husband did the absolute best he could with being supportive. We knew the problem was me, we just couldn't figure out why.
I wrote a post called The Story of Our Miracle Baby that I encourage you to read. Our story may not be the same but the pain still runs deep.
Let me say that there is nothing wrong with you. You were not made broken because our Creator loves you way too much to have made you that way.
I want you to know that, with Mothers Day coming up, that I am thinking of you, praying for you, and hurting with you. That day for me was a huge smack of a reminder of what I didn't have. I know how hard it's going to be and I know that no words are going to make it better. But know that my gift to you that day is my ear that is willing to listen as long as you need me to.
I want you to know that I am here. Here to listen, to get angry with you and to cry with you.
I understand that you look at others with envy and I do not judge when you get irritable being around families with children.
I was the same way.
Infertility takes away so much: a normal sex life, your money, your patience, and your sanity.
I kept track of temps, marked days on the calendar and googled every pinge or twinge of a symptom I felt. I spent more than my fair share of time and energy peeing on sticks and getting the same, negative result.
I understand that what worked for me will not work for you, being as we are all crafted differently.
What I NEED you to understand is that the Creator of the universe will not leave you out in the cold. He will meet you where you are. He will comfort you, guide you and bless you the more you trust Him with this situation.
I can promise you that Jesus will take your tears and pain and turn this into progress. The two years of infertility issues we went through were so that I could finally hand over the control I had on my life and give it all to Him. He wants us to take painful and just plain awful situations and use them to draw closer to Him. His purpose for my pain is to reach out to others, like you, with open arms and tell you that I understand.
I GET IT! 
I found GRACE through our infertility. I found compassion and I found mercy through Jesus.
I promise you that He has been working behind the scenes to conduct a marvelous plan for all of this. It may not be what we have in mind but I promise that it will be better than we could have ever planned for ourselves!
Hang in there.
Reach out to others going through the same thing.
Reach out to others that have been where you are and can help.
If I could go back and tell myself anything it would be to say: that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to feel bitter. It's ok to have a glass of wine and forget a night of taking a prenatal vitamin. Find support and reach out to others. Don't beat myself up and don't ever, ever feel like something is wrong with me.

I adore you sweet friend. I am here for you.
MUCH, MUCH LOVE <3

If you or somebody know is struggling with infertility, here are a couple of link I want to share as valuable resources:
National Infertility Awareness Week 
Daily Strength
Fertility Lifelines
and of course: gfmamaj@gmail.com

Called to be BOLD

We ALL have fears about something.
Whether it be spiders (seriously!), clowns, heights, animals, etc.
Sometimes it's more serious things like dying, cancer, divorce, love. (Yes I said love)
Over the past few years I could describe myself as coming a bit more "wimpy." I know that sounds a little harsh but it's nothing but truth. I have allowed the hurt of my past completely take over how bold and courageous I used to be with everything; music, new adventures but most importantly, people.
I have almost been scared to make friends; to allow people in or go out and be that social butterfly I once was. I have a fear of rejection and of others not liking me. A fear of letting someone too close, they take what they need from me and then leave. I was that way when I met Eric and I'm still struggling with it with other people.
This once outgoing and friendly girl is now shy and meek.
I absolutely love being a follower of Jesus. I love how I have a forever best friend. Someone that finds a way to hold me accountable, to guide me and, well, having somebody die for you is a pretty big deal so questioning His loyalty just isn't something I do anymore. I just love how He reaches me right where I am, without missing a beat.
Where am I going with this?
Last month, I was reading a devotion and it was focused around this verse:

Such a GREAT verse.

I started to think hard about MY boldness; if my fears were getting in the way of what I wanted to do with my life. If my fears were keeping me from friendships, dreams, or just going out and reaching the lost like He asks me to do. I was getting frustrated because I knew I wasn't being strong and courageous like I wanted to. 

Just then, on Pandora, Courageous by Casting Crowns came on. 

We were made to be courageous

We were made to lead the way

We could be the generation

That finally breaks the chains

We were made to be courageous

We were made to be courageous

We were warriors on the front lines

Standing, unafraid

But now we're watchers on the sidelines

While our families slip away

I love this song. I've heard it before and knew what the meaning of the song was but never directly applied it to my life. Jesus knew exactly what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it. It put a spark in my heart. A spark that only He could've ignited. 

I know that I don't need to be afraid of anything. I can do anything with His strength and courage that He gives me.

Since that moment, it has been made clear that I'm being called into ministry. I have applied and been accepted into a college to keep furthering my education. I ran a 5K, started to volunteer in a few different areas at church and I even made some new mommy friends :)

We are given only a short amount of borrowed time here on this earth. I want to make the most out of it and the gifts that Jesus has given me. I can't do that while hiding in my house, away from the world because of a fear of rejection or getting hurt.

Look at what Jesus went through while trying to teach a message. He was hated on, ridiculed, beaten and then faced death. All so that I can continue his teachings and love on as many people as I can.

Do you have any fears? Anything you feel is holding you back from living your life? 

He calls us to be bold for a reason, and we NEED to know that He has our back! 

So go and be bold. Go out for that job you were thinking about. or go for hike up a mountain you've been wanting to check out or even go to a circus and take a picture with a clown. Haha!

Whatever it may be, I know you can do it and He knows too! He'll let you know if you're not going down the right path.

Thoughts, comments, questions?

gfmamaj@gmail.com

Much love to you!

P.S. Check out Courageous by Casting Crowns: