Nothing Is Wasted

I will honestly admit that this is one story I do NOT want to share. It's a story that for the past 6 weeks, I've been wanting to forget. A story that I never thought would be mine to share.
But I know and truly realize I was given this story for many reasons. I've been learning how much God really does use our pain for purpose. I was given this story, not to remain silent, but to share with many and boast about His goodness and His unwavering amount of grace and strength. It's a story about hope and how, even through the worst of situations, He can still can take a tragedy and turn it into triumph
So please, treat this story as fragile as feels, for it's still a healing wound.

This October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
I have known and heard personal stories of women experiencing miscarriages. I've read, in prayer threads online, the desperate cries of women who were asking for prayer and hanging on to the last bit of hope they had. My heart always ached for them but as they say "You never know what someone else is going through until you've experienced it for yourself." I never knew how much this statement would resonate with me. Until it all started to happen to me.

I'll start by saying how much Eric and I ADORE parenthood. I mean adore it. Makenna saved us in so many ways and she is truly our miracle child. We prayed and hoped for her for years. Being her parent has been the most incredible thing and one of the greatest gifts God could have ever given us. It felt only natural that after 6 months of having Makenna with us that we wanted to start trying for another.
As I expected there to be, there were complications. But it felt a lot easier to deal with the second time around because I truly was in a place where I relied more on Jesus and stuck with that it would happen in His PEFECT timing.
We kept trying for almost a year and half with, for the most part, complete peace and relaxation about it.
The middle of this past July brought some great news. After grabbing a pizza lunch with a couple, Eric and I ran to Target and I felt the need to buy a pregnancy test. I had "unloaded my pizza" in the bathroom when first getting into the store and it wasn't the first time that week I had "tossed my cookies" that week.
I took it immediately when we got home and received the brightest positive I had ever seen! I felt dizzy, excited, nervous all at once and looked my first baby. I told her she was going to be a big sister and held her while I cried with joy.
Makenna and I walked out of the bathroom and met Eric in the kitchen where I told him I had a surprise. I held out the test and he, equally, joined in my excitement.
The following Monday would be our first baby appointment and we couldn't wait.
Our appointment finally arrived and we could hardly stand the wait to our see our new baby!
The ultrasound seemed to be going fine until I noticed that the technician wasn't saying anything. She wasn't pointing out where the baby was and didn't let us hear a heartbeat. My heart sank. I knew right then and there that something was wrong. I remember thinking in my head "Please God, I'll do anything. Please."
The ultrasound technician stated how she wasn't able to say anything about the ultrasound and that our doctor would meet with us and explain it all. We didn't get good news from her either. It looked like what I had was a blighted ovum. It's where the baby is lost super early in pregnancy but yet the body still thinks and acts like it's pregnant. Seemed like complete unfairness and pure cruelty to me.
We were given the option to terminate the pregnancy but for moral reasons, we decided to wait. Either for God to perform a miracle or at least for my body to do what it needed to, naturally. The wait would be another 2 weeks to have another ultrasound.
Fast forward to most agonizing and stressful weeks of my life to ultrasound #2 where we discovered that there were 2 yolk sacs meaning 2 babies. My doctor was struck with such confusion and said she no longer felt comfortable with termination and I needed to come back another week later for ultrasound #3, stating that since we were possibly dealing with twins, that changed the entire situation. However, we received the news that my hormone levels were dropping with the doctor explaining it didn't look good.
That next Monday, before my next ultrasound, my miscarriage started.
There's not too much to explain after that. It was over. It was a loss. Two babies that we wouldn't hold in our arms. I was devastated and in a way I still am.
However this verse has never been more true:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
It's become my mantra. My life verse. The weeks that we experienced the waiting to see what would happen, the desperate pleas and cries to God, the trying to understand the meaning and the purpose behind all this...this verse popped up everywhere.

It reminds me that through the pain, through the hardships, the trials, through our mess and even our darkest hour..God works all things for our good and His glory, as long as we love Him. It may not seem good, but we can rest assure that it is. God is using our pain for purpose and as my Pastor says often "Nothing is wasted." Nothing in God goes in vain. 

It's been a HUGE test of faith and character for both Eric and I. And I never thought I would be that 1 in 4 to have to go through this but I am and it happened. The choice is mine to sit around and mope or to use my circumstances to reach out to others who may be going through something similar.

I thank Him for using and working through me. I praise Him for being a good Father. I worship Him for giving me the strength that brought me through such agonizing weeks of waiting then healing. And I put my complete hope in Him as we move on and try for our next miracle baby. 

There IS hope at the end of, what seems like, a dark and lonely tunnel. If this is something you've experience and you need an outlet, someone to talk to..I am here! GOD is here! I pray for overwhelming amounts of peace and understanding to fall upon you.

A serious thank you for all who read this. It's not a fun, happy topic but miscarriages happen and they are not as uncommon as we may think. Let's not just draw awareness to it but allow others to share their stories.

Much love, as always, friends! 

This one is for you, Kim K.

Hey there!
As much as I do not like to admit it, I used to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. On a weekly, morning and nightly basis. I'd tune into their new episodes every Sunday night and read magazine articles about them.
It's not so much that I really "admired" them but was more fascinated by them. Fascinated with fame that really came from no where or the way they spoke to one another and just lived their lives. In a way, I was almost envious of their lifestyle. They had so much money and could literally buy whatever they wanted to and they seemed so happy doing so.
It wasn't until, maybe, two or three seasons ago that I started to get over the whole Kardashian craze and they honestly started to bug me. I decided to stop watching it and really felt good about that decision. I honestly didn't even hear much about the Kardashians anymore. Until last week.
I'm sure most, if not all, have heard about how Kim Kardashian has "broke the internet" with the spread she did for Paper magazine. The pictures of Kim are quite bare and by bare I mean wearing nothing at all.
The feedback has been negative. Some positive but mostly negative. Those that do support the Kardashians are lashing out to those who are negatively commenting on that spread, saying that "she's a woman and is embracing her sexuality." Or "she's free to do whatever she wants" and "you are all just jealous your body doesn't look like that."
OK STOP
When I first saw the pictures (right there on my news-feed, I couldn't scroll away fast enough!!!), I will admit that I, most definitely, judged. I looked down upon Kim and was almost angry at the thought of this being on my husbands news-feed and HIM having access to see this. But these past few days as I was thinking about the magazine spread and looking at comments from people all over the world with their thoughts on it, my shock and disgust disappeared. It really just makes me feel bad for her.
I can honestly say that it saddens me that a woman as beautiful as Kim Kardashian feels she needs to strip down to literally nothing in order to gain even more attention. It saddens me to imagine that all she thinks she is good for is her body. It saddens me to think that her daughter has to grow up in an environment where taking your clothes off for money and attention is ok. It saddens me to think that with all that fame and fortune and attention; are they really happy? Is this life really what they want?

And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes.
-1 Timothy 2:9

I'm not talking about wearing turtlenecks and long skirts here. I love to look good and attractive BUT for one person and one person ONLY: my husband. I do not dress in a way to attract the eyes of others, especially men. I have no problem dressing in a way that speaks class and still lets me feel great about myself because, YES, as women, we should have confidence. Confidence leads to happiness and I want that for every lady. But does that mean to strip down to your birthday suit to do that?
Look, Kim Kardashian did what she felt was a good move for her and her career. If her husband is ok with it then what else is there to say? I will pray for the Kardashian- West family. That they are and will raise that little girl to be humble, to love and to do the right thing-whatever that may be to them.
I may get some backlash for this and that is ok. But, I am the child of a God who wants me to respect my body and to me, that is not showing it much respect. I do not think a picture like that should be for the eyes of the world. 
However, to each their own. I will continue about my daily life and soon enough, that magazine spread will fade into a thing of that past. Even though I can't personally, I will show Kim K. compassion through good thoughts and prayer. I really tried hard to pick and choose my words in this post. I don't want to come across as being one of those "jealous" fans because trust me, my body may never look like that and that is perfectly fine with me.
As for my family, I would love to teach my daughter to seek the attention and approval of Jesus and not society. To represent herself (and still love) in a way that is appealing to Him. 
To anyone who disagrees and would like to discuss this further, I would love to! (gfmamaj@gamil.com)

MOVING ON:
It is almost Thanksgiving! I'm pretty sure I am finished with my Christmas shopping and now it is just a matter of putting it all together.
The Janson Family has so many exciting things on the calender. Besides the fact that we are celebrating Makenna's major first holidays (Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years!), we also have some church Christmas parties to attend. 
 While still sick, I attended my first Worship Band practice yesterday! (EEEEP!) It was SO much fun. It was more then rewarding to be around other musicians again, especially those that just love Jesus! I am so excited to see where this leads because at Newspring and in God, the best is ALWAYS yet to come!
Well, that is all that's on mind (for now)! I hope you are all having a fabulous start to your week and are busy finalizing Thanksgiving plans. As always, I'm here to chat about anything that may be on your mind :)
Much love!

5 more things I am thankful for:
-My sweet husband playing nurse while I've been sick
-Decaff green tea
-Music
-My parents generosity
-Pintrest recipes

The story of our miracle baby

Our little pastry chef, haha!

"For this child I have prayed." -1 Samuel 1:27
Happy two months to my sweet baby girl, Makenna! I cannot believe it has been two months already but at the same time it feels like she has always been in our lives. It amazes me how I cannot even imagine what life was before this little girl took over our hearts. I was thinking, to celebrate her being two months today, I'll tell you the background story of how Makenna is our miracle baby :) It's officially one of my favorite stories to tell.
I had always wanted to be a mom. I love children and my first job was working at a place called Party Playhouse-we threw birthday parties for kids and I had a blast working there!
When I met and married Eric, I couldn't wait for us to have a baby. About 5 months after we were married, we started to try for our first. We were both pretty nervous and excited at the same time.
Fast forward to a year later and we still weren't having any luck. I went to the doctors and had a check over to make sure I was healthy and everything checked out ok. I was getting nervous because I knew what the year mark meant. Problems.
After rattling my brain and much research, I decided it was best I faithfully followed the Gluten Free diet that I needed to follow, due to Celiac Disease. All the arrows were pointing to that being the problem so I disciplined myself and eliminated all gluten from my diet.
The next 10 months after that was truly a test of my faith. And for a majority of it, I failed. I watched friends get pregnant and others have their babies with envy. I would cry myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me while Eric kept insisting it was him, even though we both knew it wasn't.
I knew in my heart it was because of the Celiac Disease and me not following my diet for so long. I was trying all I could to make it right and I felt like a failure for not being able to give my husband the gift we longed for.
During this time Eric tried so hard to keep my faith up; telling me it just wasn't our time yet and it will happen in Gods time, not ours. I just grew more bitter. At the end of November 2013, I watched a few more friends post their happy pregnancy announcements and lost all hope for us. I once again went to my husband for comfort and instead of telling me it'll be ok, he grabbed my hand and prayed for us. Something we SHOULD have been doing all along.
Two weeks later I felt compelled to make an appointment with an OBGYN and see what fertility options would be available for us. I was able to get in that Tuesday with the physicians assistant and went with my mom and Eric. The doctor checked me over, took some blood work to check my thyroid and said she would call me with the results. She wanted to do an ultrasound the following week to see if all was ok there. We left on happy terms knowing that we were finally doing something to help ourselves have a baby.
The next morning I was leaving for work and literally just locked my front door when my phone started ringing with the doctor on the other end. When I asked if everything was ok she had told me we didn't need to go ahead and look into any fertility treatments. I was so confused and the first thing that ran through my head was that it was over; there was no chance for us. After asking her why, she told me the news.
I was already pregnant!
Happy wasn't the word for it and I couldn't stop crying! At the ultrasound that next week, we discovered that I became pregnant around the second week of November. Finally! It was our turn to become parents. Eric couldn't believe it when I told him the news. We were both just so happy!
God had a plan all along to bless us with a child. He just wanted me to be healthy and to fully rely on His timing and plan, which we did when Eric finally prayed over the situation that November night; when I was already pregnant!
After 9 months, 22 hours of labor, 20 minutes of pushing and Makenna ending up in the special care nursery, we had her. She is the result of a miracle. I grow more in love with her everyday and I am so blessed to be her mommy. It was the wait and every tear. I couldn't thank The Lord more for making us parents.
While it may not be a baby, I know there are a lot of you waiting for something. Do not give up hoping and praying. God hears you, I promise and is waiting till He knows you're ready for whatever
blessing He wants to throw your way. He wants good gifts for His children and all you have to do is have faith. I pray for you each of you that has something in your heart that you're waiting for.
I'm here to pray with you over anything! If you have something to share please send an email to aljanson819@gmail.com!
Miracles happen everyday. I am so thankful for mine and I know you will be for yours.
Much love!

You know you're a grown up when...

I'm sitting on the couch, already engaged in my morning routine, thinking about these last 8 weeks of motherhood and 3 years of marriage and how truly different my life has become.
Well obviously right?
Here's what I've come up with for reasons you know you're a grown up when:
*9 am is sleeping in
*cleaning your cats liter box makes you feel like you have your life together
*drinking in large quantities no longer amuses me. Actually nothing more then a glass of wine, once in a blue moon, amuses me
*you look at a group of teenagers and refer to them as "those kids"
*you wake up and your back actually hurts from lack of movement
*you kill a spider in your house without crying
*buying stuff for your house makes you feel giddy
*a young couple comes to YOU for marriage advice
*classmates from high school are getting married and/or having children
*you are married and have a child yourself
*about 99.9% of the pictures in my phone are of my baby. Or my pets
*a night on the couch sounds glorious
*you start shopping in the "miss" section at Kohls
*your mom really is your best friend
*you get excited when the 5:00 news comes on
*your credit score is on your priority list
*bargain shopping and seeing how much you can save becomes a hobby
*bedtime is something you actually look forward to
*you start working on yourself and trying to become someone others can look up to
*you realize you still need some help from your parents and you're ok with that
*you've mastered writing a resume
*things like car taxes, house taxes and Christmas shopping make it into your monthly budget
*you subscribe to magazines like American Baby and Better Homes and Garden
*you've started taking care of your body
*because your metabolism isn't quite keeping up like it used to
*you realize how important buying an extended warranty on a car is. Especially for a Ford (AH!)
*your baby smiling is the best thing you could ever look at
*you realize how much God really does have your back
*you and your husband look for other parents to hang out with because they get it. They just really get it
And most importantly:
*you don't sweat the small stuff as much anymore. Life is going to happen. Cars will break down, people will still be mean to you, coffee will get dumped down the front of your shirt and you will still make mistakes.
Being a grown up is exhausting and there are times I don't want to do it anymore.
But I am blessed with an amazing family that never stops guiding us, a husband and baby that really do seem to like me and a God that will never stop getting me through this crazy whirlwind of life.
Want to add anything to that list? Comment or send an email!
I've been loving what y'all have been sending me. Seeing what God does in lives of others who I don't even know is rewarding so please! Keep them coming :) I'm always available!
As always thank you reading and I'm here for each of y'all. aljanson819@gmail.com
Much love!